Observing your child.

Although as a parent you might find it difficult to figure out every angry outburst your child has, observing is the first step in helping your child deal with anger in healthier ways.

Don’t let your child’s anger fool you. Right at the moment when your child is throwing the T.V remote at you or screaming “I hate you!” Is the moment they are at their most vulnerable and need you the most.

There are some common reasons why your child might be struggling.

• Emotional growing pains.

  Prolific brain growth can impede your child’s ability to use areas of the brain that regulate self control and emotional regulation.

  This can happen during toddler years, late childhood and adolescence. So the next time someone says to you “It's a phrase.” STOP AND THINK, they might be right.

• Anxiety

  What most parents don’t realise is the anxiety often looks like anger. A brain in a state of anxiety goes into FIGHT or FLIGHT mode because it feels attack. MEANING an anxious child will get angry MORE OFTEN and MORE QUICKLY. If your child runs to their room and screams like they are being attacked. Pause and re-think, is this anger actually anxiety.

• Loss of Control

  ANGER is a quick way for children to regain some power. Anger can be an easy way for our subconscious to gain a sense of power. Children spend the majority of the day following other’s directions and rules at school and after school activities and clubs. Parents often fall into the trap of ,

  “If I keep my kids busy, it will fix their behaviour.”

  Children NEED time to relax, recharge and choose for themselves just like adults.

• Feeling disconnected

  Every human that doesn’t feel heard or seen will use behaviour and communication in an attempt to change their situation. This often takes the form of an angry outburst.

• Big life changes and trauma

  Change and loss are a natural part of life. When a child’s ‘emotion centre’ is highly activated it is hard to use their ‘thinking brain’. These might be:

• changing school or class

• moving house

• a new baby in the family

• divorce or separation

• grief.

  Emotional and behavioural challenges

• Children that are neurodivergent often struggle with impulsivity and self regulation this may mean that they appear to become angry over matters that parents would think unimportant. Communication challenges my also add to a neurodiverse child’s frustration.

• Communicate clearly - speak clearly and in short sentences. Follow the 6 second rule, speak, wait 6 seconds to allow processing time, repeat using the same words.

• Provide structure - make sure your child knows what is going to happen daily.

• Use visual supports and timetables.

• build in relaxing activities.

• Give your child time to recharge.

• Help to identify emotions - abstract concepts like emotions can be difficult for neurodiverse children. Use concepts like traffic lights or a 1 - 5 number scale (1=calm, 5=anger).

• Offer a safe space for time out. NOT a punishment time out a calming time out.

• Offer an alternative.

• Find out if they are being bullied.

CALM DOWNS to develop emotional regulation skills.

No matter how many times you tell your child to calm down, the frontal cortex in your child’s brain is still developing. This means that children often lack the skills to successfully manage their emotions and feelings.

Children only develop through trail, error, teaching and repeating.

SO

The next time you’re tempted to say or maybe even shout CALM DOWN try one of these strategies with your child instead.

• BREATHE

• Cuddle a ‘Warmies’, these are wheat and lavender microwavable animal cuddly toys. I’ve seen them on Amazon for about £16 in all sorts of very cute animals.

• Play or cuddle a pet (a personal favourite of mine).

• Write a letter.

• Count your heart beats.

• Tell a grown up what you need.

• Yell your anger into a pillow or cushion.

• Do animal walks (Bear, Crab, Frog jumps.)

• Go outside

• Drink a glass of water.

• Give yourself and hand massage.

• Ask for a hug.

• Name 5 Favourite things.

• Breathe a favourite scent, essential oils are great for this. The brains Olfactory centre overlaps with areas of the brain that control emotions.

  Children NEED to be taught these calm down strategies. Human Beings don’t have these abilities without being taught, we aren’t born with them.

What Parents can do to support their kids with anger.

• How we deal with frustration.

• How we navigate conflict.

• How we ask for help.

• How we apologise and repair.

  You set the tone for your family environment and your child is very tuned into your energy. They are watching and modelling after your every move! (No pressure FOLKS!)

  AND SO…

  One of the biggest, trickiest but also the most effective way to help your angry child is by finding your own triggers. Important questions to ask yourself and think about.

• What might your own triggers/stress be?

• How do you react and behave when your child is struggling with their anger?

• What subconscious (or not so subconscious) emotions are being triggered?

  Some possible triggers.

  “ I need to stop this now or I’m condoning this behaviour.”

  REALLY? Who? Where? Did you get this idea from? (Don’t miss understand those questions. I’ve thought this as well.)

  Here’s something to think about.

  Is stopping the behaviour teaching your child that anger is an emotion that everyone has?

  That it’s O.K to be angry but we need to learn when we are angry how we cope with our anger (self-regulate).

  That even if we are angry we still respect ourselves and others.

“ My child needs to control himself.”

REMEMBER - Self-regulation needs to be taught through co-regulation (what you do). It takes repetition, time and practice.

“People will think I’m a bed parent if my child is having a tantrum.”

I really get this one, believe me when i say I’ve had this thought before.

PAUSE and THINK,

Are those other people in your ‘circle of control’?

Do you REALLY care what they think? They aren’t coming home with you for a cuddle but your child is.

Tips for Parents to remember

Even on the hardest days, when you are tired and at your wits end, REMEMBER!

The characteristics that are in your child we admire in adults. Yes your child is STRONG and POWERFUL and this for a parent can be exhausting but if you pause to remember that these characteristics may take your child onto great things in their life you may find it easier to cope with.

Remember CALM is your most powerful parenting tool!

Your goal is to help them use these personality traits in healthy and appropriate ways.

You may be Tip-toeing around your child to prevent a melt down, however, this may be actually contributing to the problem.

BECAUSE;

your child may not feel heard or seen,

your child IS NOT getting good parent modelling,

your child IS NOT getting good parent modelling,

your child IS NOT getting your CALM.

It might seem obvious to say, the most common culprit has earn’t its own slang.

BUT!

Hunger,

Low blood sugar,

Lack of quality sleep,

Time in nature (lack of it).

Can have a BIG AFFECT on your child and how they are coping.